It was the month of November and I was in my hometown for Diwali festival as I did every year. For my family, this was the most celebrated festival. As usual, I reached home at 5.00 A.M in the morning a day before the festival and made sure Barry had already reached. The 11 hour long journey was too tiring and even the most luxurious Airavata did not make any difference. I slept after throwing my bags on the sofa.
Mom woke me up for coffee at 9 A.M. I checked my mobile while I was still in bed, which had become an habit. The mobile had "7 New Messages" displayed over the screen. Before I could open the inbox my mom started yelling at me for checking mobiles that time. My mom always hated such things. She would object for a lot of things including watching TV for long time as she thinks I'll lose my eyesight , listening to music as she thinks it'll harm my hearing ,and most of all checking mobile as soon as I get up from a good sleep. She always asks me this one question " what will happen if u don't check your mobile as soon as you get up ??". I would as usual keep silent. I've learnt it from my experience. If I reply anything, she'll start additional dialogues like "All children first look at God's face when they get up. Why are you not like them ? I don't understand what is wrong with you ! At Least alearn Something From those kids ". I simply got up n walked towards the sofa . I should tell athat ,reasoning with my mother is simply a risk anybody should take if you want to live peacefully . She would win any argument against me , and she'll continue talking until I get really annoyed and give a good stare .
I made myself comfortable on the sofa and made sure my mom went to kitchen. Now It was a safe time to read the messages. I knew most of them would be Diwali wishes from my cousins and as expected, 5 messages were Diwali wishes, all sent by my cousins. After my college life, none of my friends ever sent a forward msg. I used to get one or the other by them on my birthday. But everyone will chat in Facebook. Surprisingly, very few of my 600+ Facebook friends really had my number. Blame it on me, it was my mistake to have not given the number. There is a sad story behind it, which I am trying to forget ever since it happened. Sixth message was from Barry. He had asked me to get ready at the earliest and come out. But I didn't take it so seriously as it was our regular practice to meet after. Whenever we came home, we used to roam around the city till late evening . Roaming in the city streets was an old habit from 1st year PUC days , and we still Maintained the Old practice.
The 7th message was from an number that was not saved . But it looked like I remember the number . I tried my best to recall whose number it is but it didn't work. Thinking that I should better start getting ready as it was getting late already made me get up from the sofa. I was on the process of brushing my teeth when suddenly something about that unknown number flashed past my brain at lighting speed. For a second I remembered whose number it was and before I could get a name, I astonishingly forgot it again. It happens to me occasionally. I would forget the names of persons, things, places and many others whenever I feel that is something I'm trying very hard to remember. I tried again giving a lot of strain to my mind, but only in vain. So I gave it up and continued brushing. Suddenly, again it flashed across my brain and I ran to my mobile to look at the number again. It was from Anusha !!. She was that someone I was trying to forget from last two years. But as it always happens, forgetting your ex-girlfriend is far tougher than forgetting answers in examination hall. I spoke to myself while still brush in my mouth " how did she get my number?". I was surprised indeed. I had not shared my number to most of my friends. Very few of my friends knew it. The message said, “Happy Diwali to you and your Family”. I looked at the number again to verify it was indeed her number. I thought whether it could be a simple coincidence for a girl to message her ex-boyfriend by mistake after two years of breaking up!. But I had changed my number long ago and she was not supposed to have it unless she enquirer about it with my best friends with whom I had shared my number. She had not texted me from past two years exactly. It was not only shocking but a lot disturbing too. I had to involve myself in a lot of activities to get her out of my mind. I had to change my place, my phone number and so many other things to come out of our breakup. And today, suddenly she messages me from nowhere!! "Why did she do this! And why can't I still not stop thinking about her!?" I almost spoke those words out loud. Mom peeped from kitchen to ask who was I talking with. I said nothing and went to kitchen. Whenever I'm with mom I forget a lot of things. Moreover two years of loneliness had made me a lot rigid. Mom was preparing milk for me. As soon as I entered kitchen, she again started yelling at me " don't come here with that brush in your mouth. Get out of here and get fresh first. I'm almost done with preparing milk for you". It was actually then I realised that I was still not finished with brushing.
Barry lived next door. There was a empty site between our houses. Before mobiles came to our hands, we simply used to scream from our windows if there was anything we wanted to talk. After we got mobiles, we either messaged or gave a call every time. So, I gave him a ring to ask about his message. He received the call after 5 rings. When I asked him about where we should go first, he said railway station. I was not much happy when he said that. Probably he wanted to receive his relatives as in every festival and he wanted me to give company. I don’t know what I was supposed to do there. Still, according to our unwritten agreement, I agreed to go with him n got ready in a hurry as he was ready and waiting for me.
Barry was at the door at sharp 10, and I was still having breakfast. Since we were always together, mom treated him like a house member and gave him two dosas without even asking him. Even though he resisted to have breakfast for the second time in 30 minutes, my mom was in no mood to accept his refusal, and he had no other go. We left house after 15 minutes. Since he was little energetic to go to the railway station, I thought someone special to him might be coming today. Otherwise, we both would usually make a lot of delays purposefully to reach the railway station. I knew most of his friends and relatives very well, and so whoever it is that we are receiving I was supposed o know. I just pushed myself into the car and switched on the stereo.
Chitradurga has been my hometown for almost 15 years now. We both know each and every gully of it. It looks like the city does not want to change itself. It still looks old, dry and small. The sand and mud on the roads seemed to increase every year. I really wonder if anybody cleans it. I was deep in my thoughts about the city when Barry’s mobile started ringing. As he was driving, he asked me to receive the call. I took his mobile from the dashboard to see an unknown number. I turned the mobile towards him to show the number, as we both usually avoid calls from unknown numbers during holidays, he signed at me to receive the call.
“Hello…” I said.
“Where are you?” A female voice almost screamed at me. Now it was quite clear why Barry was in such a hurry to reach railway station.
“I’m sorry, its Praveen’s friend here. Praveen is driving. We are on our way to railway station.” Praveen was Barry's real name. Some drastic circumstances had caused all of us to call him by the way we do now.
“Shiv??” the female voice questioned.
I looked at Barry to ask him if he knew anything about the caller. I couldn't recognise the voice. But alarmingly, the lady on the other side of the call had recognised me. The situation was not only unusual but also strange as I don't usually not recognise voices, especially those of the ladies. But somehow this one had escaped my grasp. I again turned towards Barry to ask him about who was on the other side. He looked at the phone number again and turned his head sidewYs to indicate he didn't knew. Since it was an unknown number, I thought even he might not have the clear picture. I did not want to ask him loudly as the lady on the other side of the call might hear it. Believe me, we men are always careful when we are talking with an unrecognized female voice and ask our friends about who it is. I tried to make some hand-signs questioning him. He didn’t seem to understand anything of it.
However, the lady on the other side of the phone had no idea about what was happening in the car, hence to make sure I heard what she said she repeated my name sincerely.
“Shiv?... is it Shiv?” the female voice asked.
This time, I was pretty sure I know this person. But still, I couldn’t recognise.
“Yes! May I know who this is?” I asked as slowly as I can almost dragging each word to an extent possible so that her name may flash through my mind by the time I am finished asking the question. Sadly, I didn’t work either.
“What??!!You don’t even recognise my voice?” Asked the lady with mock anger.
Well, I had spent my last two years in a place called Garadi within the Western Ghats, and rented a house in an area that was totally out of network coverage. Sarcastically, at the same time I was teaching wireless communications to my students in a college there and whenever my friends tried to contact me, somehow the wireless communication did not work. That obviously made me to stay out of touch with almost all of my friends. After two years, people had changed a lot and so were their voices.
Lady on the phone: “Hello…”
Me: “Hello… I am sorry, but I am feeling some difficulty in recognising you. Please don’t mind…” I spoke as if it was a crime to not recognise that voice.
lady on the phone: " I just can't believe you said that!! How can you not recognise my voice??!! Seems you have moved on Shiv…"
well, this was getting more awkward every moment. I was thinking about every girl myself and Barry would know to get me out of this awkward situation. I felt like a criminal. How can I not recognise a girls voice. My mind calculated the permutation and combination of every girl I knew. It resized the girls list into those who I spoke regularly, then redefined those with whom I spoke in phone, finally ending up with those whom I was jovial with. When it searched for the result, there was an math error. Damn it!! With little time to do more calculations, it was time for submission. But before I could speak, the lady spoke again.
Lady on the phone: "Don't you remember Vijayanagar Pizza hut???”
There!! I know her. Hey, was it really her?!?! How is it possible?!
I was totally stunned, shocked and totally dumb for a moment. The famous Vijayanagar Pizza Hut was where I had last seen Anusha. The same girl whom I was desperately failing to forget about. The same girl because of whom I was avoiding my friends, changed my job, place of living and a bit of lifestyle. Someone who had hurt me very badly. So bad that, I had to keep myself busy to avoid depression.
The very next second, I cut the call. I thought for a second about what just happened. It was all looking so fuzzy. Was it really her? Well there was no other girl who would mention about Vijayanagar Pizza Hut with me. It must be definitely her.
“What happened?” Barry asked me. I kept staring at the dashboard. Then it flashed. It's all this bloody Barry's plan. Or was he innocent too, I wouldn't know for the time being. I looked at him suspiciously. It looked like he was driving casually. I looked a bit more intensely to see if he is by any means trying to hide his smile. Still he was driving casually. If only he has planned it deliberately, I would like to mention it here that, I would have definitely broke his nose for real.
Barry would usually not do such things with me as he knew me pretty well. I felt so uncomfortable that I wanted to go home and lock myself in a room for sometime. I just wanted to be left alone for sometime. But luckily, Barry was polite enough not to ask me anything. Indeed he didn't even knew who had called. So it was ok for time being. Moreover, we were going to receive some guests so, I thought I should behave well too. So I decided to keep the matter for myself for time being and drifted to my thoughts.
I loved her more than I had estimated, which I sadly came to know only after our separation. I loved her more than Romeo loved Juliet or Majnu loved Laila or whoever comes to your mind as the ultimate love birds. But the most happiest part was she loved me equally. Now that is where life is 'To love and to be loved'. It was just about everything you could ask God for. 'In the arms of your loved one is your real world'.
We were together for like only three years. We spent most of our time together just as every couple would do. We felt so comfortable about each other's company and there were hardly any misunderstandings. Most of our friends knew well about us and gave both of us enough space in our friends circle. Though everyone knew we loved each other, we all my never accepted it.
I still remember what happened that day in Vijayanagar Pizza hut. Every single second of those two hours we spent together for the last time. After two years of being together, I knew very well that she loved me the same way I loved her, though we hardly spoke about love openly. It was an unsaid, unspoken understanding we had. She was crazy about me more than I was crazy about her. We had a very nice friends circle. We always met every weekend. We all liked to hangout together. We had a great time. We used to talk at night for hours. She never said no whenever I asked her to meet. We was hardly any arguments or fights. We always went for bike rides whenever we found time. Those two years were all coming back to me now. At the end of two years, when I thought of asking her to marry me, I not even in my dreams thought she would say no. I did not have even the smallest doubt about she loving me but when she said no that day in Pizza Hut, I really was broken.
Around 3 years ago, at Vijayanagar Pizza Hut when I had asked her to marry me, she remained silent for a long time. Then, the most potent weapon a women could use, tears, slowly rolled down her cheeks. I thought it's because of happiness, as it usually happens in movies but it was the beginning of the end of our relationship. When I asked her what the matter is, she said her parents won’t accept. I was well prepared for this excuse. It's something every girl would put forth in these kind of situations. I smiled at her and said “Don’t worry. I wouldn't except them to accept us immediately. We will wait till they accept. We will give them enough time".
That didn't seem to console her as tears still kept rolling down her cheeks giving an indication of what was to come next. Adding to the scene, people sitting around us started staring at me weirdly as if I have said something horrible to her. I wanted to tell them that it was only an marriage proposal but it didn't quite look like the right time with her in front of me crying. When she didn’t speak for the next ten minutes, for the first time in two years with her, I felt something was wrong. After some more time, she spoke “My parents are already searching a guy for me Shiv. I don’t know how to face them. I am scared shiv. I am scared what they might do when they come to know about us. I don’t want to hurt them Shiv. I really can’t”. Now, this was shocking indeed. 'Was her parents already searching for a guy really??!! Was I becoming an idiot after two and a half years of sincere love?'. I leaned back in my seat wondering what suddenly happened to her. She continued with tears in her eyes “I am really sorry Shiv. But I really cannot hurt them. They have done a lot of things to me in my life. This is the only chance for me to show my gratitude. Please don’t ask me anything now”. I was still smiling while listening to what she was saying. I was not ready for this. I expected something else to happen.
The shock was immense. I knew this girl so well that when she said that, I for once knew the truth. Anusha was a good girl. So good that, between me and her parents, she would pick her parents any day. My breathing increased, blood pressure rose and I rose from my chair as fast as I could to rush out from there. But I couldn't do it, for I loved this girl so much that, Even after being rejected I couldn't leave her alone amidst strange people in a Pizza Hut. Everything looked dark and bizarre. Like in a long dark tunnel. I slowly sat back. But honestly, I had lost every single ounce of hope about us being together.
I wonder how could she have imagined a life without me. Wasn't she the girl who loved me all these days!! what made her say those words??! I knew what she would do next, go to her room and cry for two days. I do accept that her parents may not have accepted us right now, but I always thought, with time, they might change. We should have given a try. But this girl was not ready to try. She loved her parents so much that she was ready to give up her love to keep her parents happy. It looked filmy, but like fuck (pardon my language, but no word could better describe my condition than this word) it was happening in my life.
“I am really sorry Shiv, please forgive me. I'm really not strong enough" She said. I sat there staring at her for another ten minutes. Planned well about what to be done next. I could have forced her, but this girl was too traditional to come out of her own shackles. I would fail, for that was definite.
I took a transfer to mangalore, and in two weeks shifted to my new house. I changed my phone number so that I could stay alone. I didn't call her, for I knew she would feel more guilty. I wouldn't want her to feel bad. She was a good girl. And she remained. It's just that, she gave higher priority to her parents. A better man would rather understand the girl he loved and walk away. I chose to be a better man.
The next two years was absolute hell. I better not mention here how bad was the pain. I spent most of my nights looking at her photos, kept crying for hours, skipped food, grew beard and almost stopped talking with people. I never smoked, or get drunk, for I had promised her. I wanted to keep my promise. I had read it somewhere that people who want to be good to everyone will at the end lose a lot of things they like. I do not know whether she missed me or not but I missed her like hell. I still do not know why I cried so much after shifting from Bangalore, but I was convinced that she will never marry me.
"shiv, what happened man? Whose call was that?" Barry's words brought me back to the real world. I adjusted myself in my seat and thought about what has just happened. I just looked at him and smiled.
'Was that message I got from her today morning planned too?' I thought still looking perplexed. 'She couldn't both call and message on the same day' I continued my thought process. 'Unless it is really planned by both of them'. Now that was the conclusion I chose to take. If it was really true, it might well be time to break Barry's nose right then. But I chose to confirm it by directly ask him whether he is playing this prank with me. 'Or, I could simply play along to know the truth', And I finally decided to play along.
'Wait, what the hell am I doing??!!' My conscious asked me. 'She dumped you dumbo. You were supposed to forget her. Not trying to play along and find a chance to talk to her again shamelessly'. My conscious reminded me.
With so little time and mountains to think, I had failed again to take a proper decision about her.
“It’s Anusha…!!!” I told Barry.
Barry stopped the car. I raised my head and saw the railway station right in front. Barry looked at me questioningly. I must have had a sad face because I really was feeling sad suddenly. I wanted to ask him about her but since we had already reached the railway station, I thought it's better to receive his relatives first since Barry said they were waiting for him. Also, even if we had started, we hardly would get two or three minutes to discuss before we meet his relatives.
Barry led the way and I simply followed. Her very face appeared in front of my dreamy eyes. 'Boy was she beautiful!!' I smiled within. But my conscious kept knocking me to come back to my senses as she was not only my past, but a very bad one. However much I tried, I couldn't get her out of my thoughts for even a second, and continued to dumbly follow Barry. Train must have reached a few minutes before we stepped in, since passengers were still walking briskly. I felt cold from nowhere. It was winter indeed but I was rather warm till now. Was it my thoughts that were making me feel so. Wait, is it real? Would someone feel cold thinking about their ex girlfriend!? It's hard to say how your thoughts about your ex can make you feel. Right now, I was cold and fuzzy. It s the same when you feel like floating in air. Or when you are de days-drunk.
"Hi " Barry spoke. I was only a few steps behind him.
"Hi Barry " came the reply. I almost jumped a step away. It was the voice of the girl whom I loved and failed. It was Anusha.
What the hell! I could not believe what just happened. Would somebody kindly give me a break!! I cried.
It was indeed her. Standing right in front of my very own eyes. Glowing, charming, looking as beautiful as ever. But why is she here? I stood without moving, flinching or uttering a word. Oh..so it was not any of Barry's relatives we came to receive. It was for her!?! Finally my brain seemed like coming back to real life.It was all pretty well planned. If only this girl had not called Barry while he was driving, I was sure to receive a heart attack right now.
She saw me and gave me that thousand watt smile. Am i supposed to smile back? I didn’t know the answer. Unknowingly, my mouth opened, and i showed my teeth like how a dog does seeing a biscuit. She walked to me, extended her hand to which my hand went forward before my mind could give it an order. May be muscle memory! I said to myself.
I was so surprised that, I could not control it and exclaimed.
Me: “Long time….?”
Anusha: “Hmmmm….Very Long time…” She stressed the word very deliberately.
Me: “How are you?”
Anusha: “I`m doing good. How are you?”
Me: “Definitely not feeling good right now". Wait, was that dialogue necessary?
Anusha: “I hope it is not because of me?”
Me: (Deep Breath) “I hope you are right"
Anusha (Giggling): “I know it’s because of me.”
Anusha: “You didn’t expect all this didn’t you?”
Me: “Of all the girls in the world, you would be the last person I would expect this from.”
Barry (Interrupting) : “Excuse me fellows, well, I feel this is the time where I am supposed to give you both some time. So, if you both could kindly excuse, I will leave for now. Bye guys.”
We both smiled at him, Anusha shook his hands and thanked for all the plan he plotted.
He looked at me, made a sorry face, may be because he was apologising for all this. I actually wanted to kick him but I was in a different frame of mind and kept my concentration on the current higher priority situation which was Anusha at that time. So, I smiled back, extended my hand and made a `thank you` face. He then started walking.
Anusha: (Screaming) “Thanks again Barry…”
He lifted his hand up above his head and made a thumbs-up.
Once he disappeared from our views, we both looked at each other. We both knew a lot of drama was about to happen and I was mentally preparing myself within. We both sat on one of the wooden benches there. After some awkward moments with total silence, I opened the conversation.
Me: “What caused you to make such a sudden visit Anusha?”
Anusha: “If I say that this was being planned a long time ago, would you believe it?”
I didn’t give any answer. For I didn’t knew the answer. `Should I believe her even now? After what all she has done!`
Anusha: “I know you wouldn’t believe. So I will give a different answer. Actually I was going home. Now that I do not have anyone in my life who fights whenever I decide to go home, I thought of meeting you and Barry on the way.”
We had a tradition of quarrelling whenever she would say she wanted to go home. Not because I didn’t like it, but because I was so accustomed to being with her most of the time that I would feel bored like hell in her absence. Many a times I made her to cancel her plans when she was waiting for her bus in bus stand. I did not want to miss her even a single day. Even though she used to argue with me more fiercely than I did myself, finally she would cancel her plans. Whenever she cancelled her travelling plans, I had to give her a treat in a nice hotel.
Anusha: “You have become strong in two years aren’t you? I thought you will come to meet me one day. Honestly I was expecting it from you”.
Me: “How could you expect me to do such a thing after what happened between us?! I am a man of self respect. I wish to keep it intact”.
She kept quite. I might have sounded harsh, but lets face it, I had suffered a lot too. I might have left Bangalore without shouting at her for what she did to me was unacceptable by every indian lover. But that anger was menacing out today. How could she reject me when she loved me so much? I didn’t need any proof for her love. There was not a day in Bangalore when she had not messaged or called me. It was her who was more attached to me. It was her who used to wake me up at early mornings on holidays so we could meet early and a lot of time together. There was no doubt that she wanted me to be around her every second, but when I asked her to be with me for the rest of my life, she said what she should not have said.
Anusha: “I came all the way to see you shiv…please don’t be so rude”.
Me: “I’m really sorry Anusha, but don’t you think all this was unnecessary. It doesn’t make any sense after two years, does it? Ya I’m happy to see you again after so many days from inside, but I know what will happen to me as soon as you leave. I only hope you would get even the slightest idea about how my past two years were. I don’t want to go through that again”. I was straight enough. I had to be said for it was the truth. Within 30 minutes of meeting her, I had started to change again. I wondered when was I going to learn.
Anusha: “Do you have any idea about what all I went through? Do you think I was happy all these days without you? How can you even talk like this shiv? I too suffered a lot. Of all the people in this world, you know me better than anyone else. I hope you understood”.
I knew Anusha so well that, the only reason why did not lash out on her before laving Bangalore was because I knew she loved me with all her heart. I could not shout at her because I knew she will regret her decision for a very long time. There was no point in hurting a person who already is hurt. There was no point in dragging the same issue. So I decided to calm down a little. But that was not possible, I had lot of questions in my mind. I wanted answers. Not because they were important, but because they would bring me some peace of mind.
Me: “What made you to see me suddenly after 2 years? Where was this thought of seeing me for past two years? If you were not going to your home today, you never would have met me right?”
Anusha: “Even after two long years, you are still the same person who argues with me whenever I go home!!”
Those words meant a lot to me. Those days of being together suddenly flashed in front of my eyes. Without my control tears rolled down my cheeks. My voice got stuck in my throat, breathing became heavy. I bit my lips to control myself but in vain as I lost control over my body and again I was feeling depression.
Me: “You have no idea what pain I went through to forget you, how much alone I felt, how much I suffered because of your decision. There was no need of coming now to see how I was”.
I wanted to be reasonable but rage came over me and I wanted to finish this off all for once. But how could I, for whatever she has done to me, I still loved her. I could not even think of pursuing her to marry me. I couldn’t even reason her out.
The pain that you go through when someone you love the most walks away from you can never be described in words. Only those of us who have experienced it may feel my words. But you hardly can do anything about it. Yet we keep silent: mostly because you know you cannot hurt them. Not even if they have hurt you very badly.
Anusha: “I don’t know what’s wrong with me shiv, but I keep thinking about you every day. The past two years were not easy for me either. Don’t think I was happy after you left. Only God know how much I have cried. But, I can hardly help myself about this. Sometimes I feel like I should commit suicide, but it would simply spoil my parents name. I am a very simple girl shiv, as you already know. I want to lead a normal life, I don’t want to be a role model for someone. You can call me selfish if you want, but all I am trying to be is a good daughter to a great parents.. But honestly, I cannot forget you for I too loved you. That day when you asked me to marry you, you probably would have no idea how happy I was. I cried because you asked me. I wanted you to do that. That brought me so much joy. Though my words meant no to you that day, deep inside my heart, you were the person with whom I wanted to spend my life with. Sometimes, I myself wonder why I didn’t get enough courage to accept your proposal that day. May be any girl in my position would have accepted. If only I had not thought about how my parents that time, I would have accepted too. But whenever I think of my parents, I forget everyone. They trust me a lot Shiv, and I am really not strong enough to break their trust, for all they have done to me,breaking their trust would be the last thing I would even dream of doing.”
She was calm, as tears slowly rolled down her cheeks. She had not changed a bit in last two years. Perhaps she was strong enough to go through the pain. But what i did not understand was why she was not ready to give a try. She will lose nothing is she gives a try but I don’t know what is stopping her. May be she already has given a try. I didn’t knew and didn’t feel like asking about it now for it meant nothing after all these days. Did I still love her, well, anybody could answer this question if you ask yourself. I sat back on the wooden bench stretching my arms having no idea what to tell her.
Me: “Did you come here to tell me the same answer you told me two years back?”
Anusha: “Do you really think I decided to meet you if I didn’t have feelings on you?”
Me: “Do you mean you want to marry me?”
Anusha: “Shiv please…please don’t ask me that question. I cannot answer your question.”
Me: “All you have to do is say Yes once Anusha, just once, I promise you I will fight the whole world to keep you happy.”
Anusha: “I know you will, but my parents also have their own world shiv. Don’t you think I also should keep them happy too? What about their happiness Shiv? Have you ever thought about this even once?”.
Well, we were back to square. Here I was, standing in a Railway platform thinking about whose happiness matters to me the most, mine or her parents!! Well I did definitely respect them but the very thought of them being the reason for us not getting married evaded that respect.
Me: “But think about the positive side of it Anu. You are in a good position in society. You can definitely try to convince them at least now. Looking at your position in the society, I don’t think why they have to say no for your happiness.”
Anusha: “Do you think I didn’t try convincing them?”
Me (shocked): “You did?”
Anusha: “Many times Shiv. But they never understand. I have been trying hard from last one year. I didn’t speak with my Dad from last one year because of this issue.”
She have tried. Blimey me, she have tried. I felt so bad about myself for blaming her all these days for not trying. May be it was time for me to accept the fact that she gave higher priority to her parents happiness than her own happiness. May be she deserved a better guy than me. Or I might have done some very bad deeds in my past life that I was suffering in this one. May be this was meant to be. May be it was my Destiny. I wondered whom to curse as everyone seemed like good people.
If she wanted to keep her parents happy, then perhaps she loves her parents more than she loves me. I thought whether I would have taken such a decision to keep my parents happy? I don’t know. I felt bad for her. Is it our culture of which she was victim of I didn’t know. Or was it our society that made her think so I wondered. Was there no one in the world to help us??? `GOD, at least now you could lend a hand.` I looked at the skies in request. I did not see any help coming.
Time passed faster than my watch could run. Next 10 minutes were sheer silence. Was there nothing to talk? I asked myself. May be there was no need to talk.
Train siren blew breaking our awkward silence. Her train would leave in another five minutes. She had tears in her eyes all the time which she was wiping with her napkin. My eyes had dried, may be there was no more water left out. At one point in life, we all realise that value of tears for it comes out only for your dear ones.. But you will never forget that someone who made you cry. I wish she knew I was still waiting for a yes. May be she knew it too. But nothing changed in past 2 years. It was time to understand and move on.
Train siren blew for the second time. I got up and picked her bags. She looked at my face with tear filled eyes. I gave her a smile. I don’t know how managed to bring it on my face but I did. She got up and again wiped her eyes. I helped her to get into the train and the train siren blew for the final time indicating the time of departure. We avoided conversation as I knew this silence will remain forever between us. She was still at the door looking at me.
Me: “Go to your seat and sit down.”
She nodded, trying to control her emotions. We both knew she could only control her emotions until I am in front of her. She knew I cant see her in that state, she knew I wont control myself if she does it in front of me.The very second when I am gone, she will sob uncontrollably.
Me: “Take care of yourself and your parents.” I almost lost my voice as I spoke because of emotions.
She nodded again, as tears rolled out heavily but she controlled herself and didn’t give up to her emotions. I could hardly control myself, but I held myself till the end. Should I hug her?? For one last time? Maybe those days were long gone. We did not share the same compassion anymore. Seeing her going away again made me uncomfortable. I couldn’t speak, My legs felt heavy, stomach tingled and I felt drowsy. I kept wiping my tears again and again so that I can see her clearly, may be for the last time in my life.
Anusha: “I am sorry….” She managed to say those words and sat where she were and broke completely. She sobbed very hard and hid her face in her palms. I do not know where I got such control over myself, but I stepped in the train lifted her up, hugged her as she sobbed more and made the courage to say “It’s Ok”. That was all I could say for I didn’t have enough energy for anymore. Train finally started to move. I quickly picked up her luggage and still holding her in my arms, made for her birth. I placed all her belongings under her seat and tried to talk. But I could not gather my voice and fell short of words. I asked her to sit on her seat as she continued crying like a baby and for once and for all, caressed her forehead and walked out. Train was picking the speed and I somehow managed to get down in time. I turned to see Anusha but she might not have stopped crying yet as her window was empty. Tears filled my eyes as I saw the train gather momentum and before anytime, disappeared rom my sight.
Diwali was no more fun as I could not take her out of my thoughts, I spoke very little only to make my parents sad. My sister complained I am not talking with her properly. Everything bout this years Diwali sucked. I could not stand it anymore, and in three days, with a holiday still left, I decided to go back to mangalore. I booked my tickets online and packed my bags. I had my bus at 8.00 P.M the same day. My parents were not only angry but sad for my behaviour. I could not explain anything to them.
I had about an hour left for my bus. Everyone in the house were sitting in the hall and watching some program. My mom looked very sad as I was going back a day early. My dad knew my behaviour well and was kind of adjusted to it. Sister and I were talking about some movie which she had watched. Door bell rang when we were still talking and dad asked me to get it. Since I was already in a bad mood, I sent my sister to get it. She went looking angrily at me. She shouted for me from the door “Its your friend”. I thought Barry might have come to drop me to bus stop as had requested him to do so. I got up and walked towards the door only to stop in my very place after looking at the person at the door. Somehow, I reached door and opened it only to find Anusha. I stood in disbelief.
She had tears in her eyes, but a smile in her face. I didn't understand a thing, and I couldn't move either. She wiped her tears and with a bigger smile said, "For the proposal you offered me about marrying you two years ago, Mr. Shivakumar, I want to tell you that, I accept. Lets get Married!!!"
Mom woke me up for coffee at 9 A.M. I checked my mobile while I was still in bed, which had become an habit. The mobile had "7 New Messages" displayed over the screen. Before I could open the inbox my mom started yelling at me for checking mobiles that time. My mom always hated such things. She would object for a lot of things including watching TV for long time as she thinks I'll lose my eyesight , listening to music as she thinks it'll harm my hearing ,and most of all checking mobile as soon as I get up from a good sleep. She always asks me this one question " what will happen if u don't check your mobile as soon as you get up ??". I would as usual keep silent. I've learnt it from my experience. If I reply anything, she'll start additional dialogues like "All children first look at God's face when they get up. Why are you not like them ? I don't understand what is wrong with you ! At Least alearn Something From those kids ". I simply got up n walked towards the sofa . I should tell athat ,reasoning with my mother is simply a risk anybody should take if you want to live peacefully . She would win any argument against me , and she'll continue talking until I get really annoyed and give a good stare .
I made myself comfortable on the sofa and made sure my mom went to kitchen. Now It was a safe time to read the messages. I knew most of them would be Diwali wishes from my cousins and as expected, 5 messages were Diwali wishes, all sent by my cousins. After my college life, none of my friends ever sent a forward msg. I used to get one or the other by them on my birthday. But everyone will chat in Facebook. Surprisingly, very few of my 600+ Facebook friends really had my number. Blame it on me, it was my mistake to have not given the number. There is a sad story behind it, which I am trying to forget ever since it happened. Sixth message was from Barry. He had asked me to get ready at the earliest and come out. But I didn't take it so seriously as it was our regular practice to meet after. Whenever we came home, we used to roam around the city till late evening . Roaming in the city streets was an old habit from 1st year PUC days , and we still Maintained the Old practice.
The 7th message was from an number that was not saved . But it looked like I remember the number . I tried my best to recall whose number it is but it didn't work. Thinking that I should better start getting ready as it was getting late already made me get up from the sofa. I was on the process of brushing my teeth when suddenly something about that unknown number flashed past my brain at lighting speed. For a second I remembered whose number it was and before I could get a name, I astonishingly forgot it again. It happens to me occasionally. I would forget the names of persons, things, places and many others whenever I feel that is something I'm trying very hard to remember. I tried again giving a lot of strain to my mind, but only in vain. So I gave it up and continued brushing. Suddenly, again it flashed across my brain and I ran to my mobile to look at the number again. It was from Anusha !!. She was that someone I was trying to forget from last two years. But as it always happens, forgetting your ex-girlfriend is far tougher than forgetting answers in examination hall. I spoke to myself while still brush in my mouth " how did she get my number?". I was surprised indeed. I had not shared my number to most of my friends. Very few of my friends knew it. The message said, “Happy Diwali to you and your Family”. I looked at the number again to verify it was indeed her number. I thought whether it could be a simple coincidence for a girl to message her ex-boyfriend by mistake after two years of breaking up!. But I had changed my number long ago and she was not supposed to have it unless she enquirer about it with my best friends with whom I had shared my number. She had not texted me from past two years exactly. It was not only shocking but a lot disturbing too. I had to involve myself in a lot of activities to get her out of my mind. I had to change my place, my phone number and so many other things to come out of our breakup. And today, suddenly she messages me from nowhere!! "Why did she do this! And why can't I still not stop thinking about her!?" I almost spoke those words out loud. Mom peeped from kitchen to ask who was I talking with. I said nothing and went to kitchen. Whenever I'm with mom I forget a lot of things. Moreover two years of loneliness had made me a lot rigid. Mom was preparing milk for me. As soon as I entered kitchen, she again started yelling at me " don't come here with that brush in your mouth. Get out of here and get fresh first. I'm almost done with preparing milk for you". It was actually then I realised that I was still not finished with brushing.
Barry lived next door. There was a empty site between our houses. Before mobiles came to our hands, we simply used to scream from our windows if there was anything we wanted to talk. After we got mobiles, we either messaged or gave a call every time. So, I gave him a ring to ask about his message. He received the call after 5 rings. When I asked him about where we should go first, he said railway station. I was not much happy when he said that. Probably he wanted to receive his relatives as in every festival and he wanted me to give company. I don’t know what I was supposed to do there. Still, according to our unwritten agreement, I agreed to go with him n got ready in a hurry as he was ready and waiting for me.
Barry was at the door at sharp 10, and I was still having breakfast. Since we were always together, mom treated him like a house member and gave him two dosas without even asking him. Even though he resisted to have breakfast for the second time in 30 minutes, my mom was in no mood to accept his refusal, and he had no other go. We left house after 15 minutes. Since he was little energetic to go to the railway station, I thought someone special to him might be coming today. Otherwise, we both would usually make a lot of delays purposefully to reach the railway station. I knew most of his friends and relatives very well, and so whoever it is that we are receiving I was supposed o know. I just pushed myself into the car and switched on the stereo.
Chitradurga has been my hometown for almost 15 years now. We both know each and every gully of it. It looks like the city does not want to change itself. It still looks old, dry and small. The sand and mud on the roads seemed to increase every year. I really wonder if anybody cleans it. I was deep in my thoughts about the city when Barry’s mobile started ringing. As he was driving, he asked me to receive the call. I took his mobile from the dashboard to see an unknown number. I turned the mobile towards him to show the number, as we both usually avoid calls from unknown numbers during holidays, he signed at me to receive the call.
“Hello…” I said.
“Where are you?” A female voice almost screamed at me. Now it was quite clear why Barry was in such a hurry to reach railway station.
“I’m sorry, its Praveen’s friend here. Praveen is driving. We are on our way to railway station.” Praveen was Barry's real name. Some drastic circumstances had caused all of us to call him by the way we do now.
“Shiv??” the female voice questioned.
I looked at Barry to ask him if he knew anything about the caller. I couldn't recognise the voice. But alarmingly, the lady on the other side of the call had recognised me. The situation was not only unusual but also strange as I don't usually not recognise voices, especially those of the ladies. But somehow this one had escaped my grasp. I again turned towards Barry to ask him about who was on the other side. He looked at the phone number again and turned his head sidewYs to indicate he didn't knew. Since it was an unknown number, I thought even he might not have the clear picture. I did not want to ask him loudly as the lady on the other side of the call might hear it. Believe me, we men are always careful when we are talking with an unrecognized female voice and ask our friends about who it is. I tried to make some hand-signs questioning him. He didn’t seem to understand anything of it.
However, the lady on the other side of the phone had no idea about what was happening in the car, hence to make sure I heard what she said she repeated my name sincerely.
“Shiv?... is it Shiv?” the female voice asked.
This time, I was pretty sure I know this person. But still, I couldn’t recognise.
“Yes! May I know who this is?” I asked as slowly as I can almost dragging each word to an extent possible so that her name may flash through my mind by the time I am finished asking the question. Sadly, I didn’t work either.
“What??!!You don’t even recognise my voice?” Asked the lady with mock anger.
Well, I had spent my last two years in a place called Garadi within the Western Ghats, and rented a house in an area that was totally out of network coverage. Sarcastically, at the same time I was teaching wireless communications to my students in a college there and whenever my friends tried to contact me, somehow the wireless communication did not work. That obviously made me to stay out of touch with almost all of my friends. After two years, people had changed a lot and so were their voices.
Lady on the phone: “Hello…”
Me: “Hello… I am sorry, but I am feeling some difficulty in recognising you. Please don’t mind…” I spoke as if it was a crime to not recognise that voice.
lady on the phone: " I just can't believe you said that!! How can you not recognise my voice??!! Seems you have moved on Shiv…"
well, this was getting more awkward every moment. I was thinking about every girl myself and Barry would know to get me out of this awkward situation. I felt like a criminal. How can I not recognise a girls voice. My mind calculated the permutation and combination of every girl I knew. It resized the girls list into those who I spoke regularly, then redefined those with whom I spoke in phone, finally ending up with those whom I was jovial with. When it searched for the result, there was an math error. Damn it!! With little time to do more calculations, it was time for submission. But before I could speak, the lady spoke again.
Lady on the phone: "Don't you remember Vijayanagar Pizza hut???”
There!! I know her. Hey, was it really her?!?! How is it possible?!
I was totally stunned, shocked and totally dumb for a moment. The famous Vijayanagar Pizza Hut was where I had last seen Anusha. The same girl whom I was desperately failing to forget about. The same girl because of whom I was avoiding my friends, changed my job, place of living and a bit of lifestyle. Someone who had hurt me very badly. So bad that, I had to keep myself busy to avoid depression.
The very next second, I cut the call. I thought for a second about what just happened. It was all looking so fuzzy. Was it really her? Well there was no other girl who would mention about Vijayanagar Pizza Hut with me. It must be definitely her.
“What happened?” Barry asked me. I kept staring at the dashboard. Then it flashed. It's all this bloody Barry's plan. Or was he innocent too, I wouldn't know for the time being. I looked at him suspiciously. It looked like he was driving casually. I looked a bit more intensely to see if he is by any means trying to hide his smile. Still he was driving casually. If only he has planned it deliberately, I would like to mention it here that, I would have definitely broke his nose for real.
Barry would usually not do such things with me as he knew me pretty well. I felt so uncomfortable that I wanted to go home and lock myself in a room for sometime. I just wanted to be left alone for sometime. But luckily, Barry was polite enough not to ask me anything. Indeed he didn't even knew who had called. So it was ok for time being. Moreover, we were going to receive some guests so, I thought I should behave well too. So I decided to keep the matter for myself for time being and drifted to my thoughts.
I loved her more than I had estimated, which I sadly came to know only after our separation. I loved her more than Romeo loved Juliet or Majnu loved Laila or whoever comes to your mind as the ultimate love birds. But the most happiest part was she loved me equally. Now that is where life is 'To love and to be loved'. It was just about everything you could ask God for. 'In the arms of your loved one is your real world'.
We were together for like only three years. We spent most of our time together just as every couple would do. We felt so comfortable about each other's company and there were hardly any misunderstandings. Most of our friends knew well about us and gave both of us enough space in our friends circle. Though everyone knew we loved each other, we all my never accepted it.
I still remember what happened that day in Vijayanagar Pizza hut. Every single second of those two hours we spent together for the last time. After two years of being together, I knew very well that she loved me the same way I loved her, though we hardly spoke about love openly. It was an unsaid, unspoken understanding we had. She was crazy about me more than I was crazy about her. We had a very nice friends circle. We always met every weekend. We all liked to hangout together. We had a great time. We used to talk at night for hours. She never said no whenever I asked her to meet. We was hardly any arguments or fights. We always went for bike rides whenever we found time. Those two years were all coming back to me now. At the end of two years, when I thought of asking her to marry me, I not even in my dreams thought she would say no. I did not have even the smallest doubt about she loving me but when she said no that day in Pizza Hut, I really was broken.
Around 3 years ago, at Vijayanagar Pizza Hut when I had asked her to marry me, she remained silent for a long time. Then, the most potent weapon a women could use, tears, slowly rolled down her cheeks. I thought it's because of happiness, as it usually happens in movies but it was the beginning of the end of our relationship. When I asked her what the matter is, she said her parents won’t accept. I was well prepared for this excuse. It's something every girl would put forth in these kind of situations. I smiled at her and said “Don’t worry. I wouldn't except them to accept us immediately. We will wait till they accept. We will give them enough time".
That didn't seem to console her as tears still kept rolling down her cheeks giving an indication of what was to come next. Adding to the scene, people sitting around us started staring at me weirdly as if I have said something horrible to her. I wanted to tell them that it was only an marriage proposal but it didn't quite look like the right time with her in front of me crying. When she didn’t speak for the next ten minutes, for the first time in two years with her, I felt something was wrong. After some more time, she spoke “My parents are already searching a guy for me Shiv. I don’t know how to face them. I am scared shiv. I am scared what they might do when they come to know about us. I don’t want to hurt them Shiv. I really can’t”. Now, this was shocking indeed. 'Was her parents already searching for a guy really??!! Was I becoming an idiot after two and a half years of sincere love?'. I leaned back in my seat wondering what suddenly happened to her. She continued with tears in her eyes “I am really sorry Shiv. But I really cannot hurt them. They have done a lot of things to me in my life. This is the only chance for me to show my gratitude. Please don’t ask me anything now”. I was still smiling while listening to what she was saying. I was not ready for this. I expected something else to happen.
The shock was immense. I knew this girl so well that when she said that, I for once knew the truth. Anusha was a good girl. So good that, between me and her parents, she would pick her parents any day. My breathing increased, blood pressure rose and I rose from my chair as fast as I could to rush out from there. But I couldn't do it, for I loved this girl so much that, Even after being rejected I couldn't leave her alone amidst strange people in a Pizza Hut. Everything looked dark and bizarre. Like in a long dark tunnel. I slowly sat back. But honestly, I had lost every single ounce of hope about us being together.
I wonder how could she have imagined a life without me. Wasn't she the girl who loved me all these days!! what made her say those words??! I knew what she would do next, go to her room and cry for two days. I do accept that her parents may not have accepted us right now, but I always thought, with time, they might change. We should have given a try. But this girl was not ready to try. She loved her parents so much that she was ready to give up her love to keep her parents happy. It looked filmy, but like fuck (pardon my language, but no word could better describe my condition than this word) it was happening in my life.
“I am really sorry Shiv, please forgive me. I'm really not strong enough" She said. I sat there staring at her for another ten minutes. Planned well about what to be done next. I could have forced her, but this girl was too traditional to come out of her own shackles. I would fail, for that was definite.
I took a transfer to mangalore, and in two weeks shifted to my new house. I changed my phone number so that I could stay alone. I didn't call her, for I knew she would feel more guilty. I wouldn't want her to feel bad. She was a good girl. And she remained. It's just that, she gave higher priority to her parents. A better man would rather understand the girl he loved and walk away. I chose to be a better man.
The next two years was absolute hell. I better not mention here how bad was the pain. I spent most of my nights looking at her photos, kept crying for hours, skipped food, grew beard and almost stopped talking with people. I never smoked, or get drunk, for I had promised her. I wanted to keep my promise. I had read it somewhere that people who want to be good to everyone will at the end lose a lot of things they like. I do not know whether she missed me or not but I missed her like hell. I still do not know why I cried so much after shifting from Bangalore, but I was convinced that she will never marry me.
"shiv, what happened man? Whose call was that?" Barry's words brought me back to the real world. I adjusted myself in my seat and thought about what has just happened. I just looked at him and smiled.
'Was that message I got from her today morning planned too?' I thought still looking perplexed. 'She couldn't both call and message on the same day' I continued my thought process. 'Unless it is really planned by both of them'. Now that was the conclusion I chose to take. If it was really true, it might well be time to break Barry's nose right then. But I chose to confirm it by directly ask him whether he is playing this prank with me. 'Or, I could simply play along to know the truth', And I finally decided to play along.
'Wait, what the hell am I doing??!!' My conscious asked me. 'She dumped you dumbo. You were supposed to forget her. Not trying to play along and find a chance to talk to her again shamelessly'. My conscious reminded me.
With so little time and mountains to think, I had failed again to take a proper decision about her.
“It’s Anusha…!!!” I told Barry.
Barry stopped the car. I raised my head and saw the railway station right in front. Barry looked at me questioningly. I must have had a sad face because I really was feeling sad suddenly. I wanted to ask him about her but since we had already reached the railway station, I thought it's better to receive his relatives first since Barry said they were waiting for him. Also, even if we had started, we hardly would get two or three minutes to discuss before we meet his relatives.
Barry led the way and I simply followed. Her very face appeared in front of my dreamy eyes. 'Boy was she beautiful!!' I smiled within. But my conscious kept knocking me to come back to my senses as she was not only my past, but a very bad one. However much I tried, I couldn't get her out of my thoughts for even a second, and continued to dumbly follow Barry. Train must have reached a few minutes before we stepped in, since passengers were still walking briskly. I felt cold from nowhere. It was winter indeed but I was rather warm till now. Was it my thoughts that were making me feel so. Wait, is it real? Would someone feel cold thinking about their ex girlfriend!? It's hard to say how your thoughts about your ex can make you feel. Right now, I was cold and fuzzy. It s the same when you feel like floating in air. Or when you are de days-drunk.
"Hi " Barry spoke. I was only a few steps behind him.
"Hi Barry " came the reply. I almost jumped a step away. It was the voice of the girl whom I loved and failed. It was Anusha.
What the hell! I could not believe what just happened. Would somebody kindly give me a break!! I cried.
It was indeed her. Standing right in front of my very own eyes. Glowing, charming, looking as beautiful as ever. But why is she here? I stood without moving, flinching or uttering a word. Oh..so it was not any of Barry's relatives we came to receive. It was for her!?! Finally my brain seemed like coming back to real life.It was all pretty well planned. If only this girl had not called Barry while he was driving, I was sure to receive a heart attack right now.
She saw me and gave me that thousand watt smile. Am i supposed to smile back? I didn’t know the answer. Unknowingly, my mouth opened, and i showed my teeth like how a dog does seeing a biscuit. She walked to me, extended her hand to which my hand went forward before my mind could give it an order. May be muscle memory! I said to myself.
I was so surprised that, I could not control it and exclaimed.
Me: “Long time….?”
Anusha: “Hmmmm….Very Long time…” She stressed the word very deliberately.
Me: “How are you?”
Anusha: “I`m doing good. How are you?”
Me: “Definitely not feeling good right now". Wait, was that dialogue necessary?
Anusha: “I hope it is not because of me?”
Me: (Deep Breath) “I hope you are right"
Anusha (Giggling): “I know it’s because of me.”
Anusha: “You didn’t expect all this didn’t you?”
Me: “Of all the girls in the world, you would be the last person I would expect this from.”
Barry (Interrupting) : “Excuse me fellows, well, I feel this is the time where I am supposed to give you both some time. So, if you both could kindly excuse, I will leave for now. Bye guys.”
We both smiled at him, Anusha shook his hands and thanked for all the plan he plotted.
He looked at me, made a sorry face, may be because he was apologising for all this. I actually wanted to kick him but I was in a different frame of mind and kept my concentration on the current higher priority situation which was Anusha at that time. So, I smiled back, extended my hand and made a `thank you` face. He then started walking.
Anusha: (Screaming) “Thanks again Barry…”
He lifted his hand up above his head and made a thumbs-up.
Once he disappeared from our views, we both looked at each other. We both knew a lot of drama was about to happen and I was mentally preparing myself within. We both sat on one of the wooden benches there. After some awkward moments with total silence, I opened the conversation.
Me: “What caused you to make such a sudden visit Anusha?”
Anusha: “If I say that this was being planned a long time ago, would you believe it?”
I didn’t give any answer. For I didn’t knew the answer. `Should I believe her even now? After what all she has done!`
Anusha: “I know you wouldn’t believe. So I will give a different answer. Actually I was going home. Now that I do not have anyone in my life who fights whenever I decide to go home, I thought of meeting you and Barry on the way.”
We had a tradition of quarrelling whenever she would say she wanted to go home. Not because I didn’t like it, but because I was so accustomed to being with her most of the time that I would feel bored like hell in her absence. Many a times I made her to cancel her plans when she was waiting for her bus in bus stand. I did not want to miss her even a single day. Even though she used to argue with me more fiercely than I did myself, finally she would cancel her plans. Whenever she cancelled her travelling plans, I had to give her a treat in a nice hotel.
Anusha: “You have become strong in two years aren’t you? I thought you will come to meet me one day. Honestly I was expecting it from you”.
Me: “How could you expect me to do such a thing after what happened between us?! I am a man of self respect. I wish to keep it intact”.
She kept quite. I might have sounded harsh, but lets face it, I had suffered a lot too. I might have left Bangalore without shouting at her for what she did to me was unacceptable by every indian lover. But that anger was menacing out today. How could she reject me when she loved me so much? I didn’t need any proof for her love. There was not a day in Bangalore when she had not messaged or called me. It was her who was more attached to me. It was her who used to wake me up at early mornings on holidays so we could meet early and a lot of time together. There was no doubt that she wanted me to be around her every second, but when I asked her to be with me for the rest of my life, she said what she should not have said.
Anusha: “I came all the way to see you shiv…please don’t be so rude”.
Me: “I’m really sorry Anusha, but don’t you think all this was unnecessary. It doesn’t make any sense after two years, does it? Ya I’m happy to see you again after so many days from inside, but I know what will happen to me as soon as you leave. I only hope you would get even the slightest idea about how my past two years were. I don’t want to go through that again”. I was straight enough. I had to be said for it was the truth. Within 30 minutes of meeting her, I had started to change again. I wondered when was I going to learn.
Anusha: “Do you have any idea about what all I went through? Do you think I was happy all these days without you? How can you even talk like this shiv? I too suffered a lot. Of all the people in this world, you know me better than anyone else. I hope you understood”.
I knew Anusha so well that, the only reason why did not lash out on her before laving Bangalore was because I knew she loved me with all her heart. I could not shout at her because I knew she will regret her decision for a very long time. There was no point in hurting a person who already is hurt. There was no point in dragging the same issue. So I decided to calm down a little. But that was not possible, I had lot of questions in my mind. I wanted answers. Not because they were important, but because they would bring me some peace of mind.
Me: “What made you to see me suddenly after 2 years? Where was this thought of seeing me for past two years? If you were not going to your home today, you never would have met me right?”
Anusha: “Even after two long years, you are still the same person who argues with me whenever I go home!!”
Those words meant a lot to me. Those days of being together suddenly flashed in front of my eyes. Without my control tears rolled down my cheeks. My voice got stuck in my throat, breathing became heavy. I bit my lips to control myself but in vain as I lost control over my body and again I was feeling depression.
Me: “You have no idea what pain I went through to forget you, how much alone I felt, how much I suffered because of your decision. There was no need of coming now to see how I was”.
I wanted to be reasonable but rage came over me and I wanted to finish this off all for once. But how could I, for whatever she has done to me, I still loved her. I could not even think of pursuing her to marry me. I couldn’t even reason her out.
The pain that you go through when someone you love the most walks away from you can never be described in words. Only those of us who have experienced it may feel my words. But you hardly can do anything about it. Yet we keep silent: mostly because you know you cannot hurt them. Not even if they have hurt you very badly.
Anusha: “I don’t know what’s wrong with me shiv, but I keep thinking about you every day. The past two years were not easy for me either. Don’t think I was happy after you left. Only God know how much I have cried. But, I can hardly help myself about this. Sometimes I feel like I should commit suicide, but it would simply spoil my parents name. I am a very simple girl shiv, as you already know. I want to lead a normal life, I don’t want to be a role model for someone. You can call me selfish if you want, but all I am trying to be is a good daughter to a great parents.. But honestly, I cannot forget you for I too loved you. That day when you asked me to marry you, you probably would have no idea how happy I was. I cried because you asked me. I wanted you to do that. That brought me so much joy. Though my words meant no to you that day, deep inside my heart, you were the person with whom I wanted to spend my life with. Sometimes, I myself wonder why I didn’t get enough courage to accept your proposal that day. May be any girl in my position would have accepted. If only I had not thought about how my parents that time, I would have accepted too. But whenever I think of my parents, I forget everyone. They trust me a lot Shiv, and I am really not strong enough to break their trust, for all they have done to me,breaking their trust would be the last thing I would even dream of doing.”
She was calm, as tears slowly rolled down her cheeks. She had not changed a bit in last two years. Perhaps she was strong enough to go through the pain. But what i did not understand was why she was not ready to give a try. She will lose nothing is she gives a try but I don’t know what is stopping her. May be she already has given a try. I didn’t knew and didn’t feel like asking about it now for it meant nothing after all these days. Did I still love her, well, anybody could answer this question if you ask yourself. I sat back on the wooden bench stretching my arms having no idea what to tell her.
Me: “Did you come here to tell me the same answer you told me two years back?”
Anusha: “Do you really think I decided to meet you if I didn’t have feelings on you?”
Me: “Do you mean you want to marry me?”
Anusha: “Shiv please…please don’t ask me that question. I cannot answer your question.”
Me: “All you have to do is say Yes once Anusha, just once, I promise you I will fight the whole world to keep you happy.”
Anusha: “I know you will, but my parents also have their own world shiv. Don’t you think I also should keep them happy too? What about their happiness Shiv? Have you ever thought about this even once?”.
Well, we were back to square. Here I was, standing in a Railway platform thinking about whose happiness matters to me the most, mine or her parents!! Well I did definitely respect them but the very thought of them being the reason for us not getting married evaded that respect.
Me: “But think about the positive side of it Anu. You are in a good position in society. You can definitely try to convince them at least now. Looking at your position in the society, I don’t think why they have to say no for your happiness.”
Anusha: “Do you think I didn’t try convincing them?”
Me (shocked): “You did?”
Anusha: “Many times Shiv. But they never understand. I have been trying hard from last one year. I didn’t speak with my Dad from last one year because of this issue.”
She have tried. Blimey me, she have tried. I felt so bad about myself for blaming her all these days for not trying. May be it was time for me to accept the fact that she gave higher priority to her parents happiness than her own happiness. May be she deserved a better guy than me. Or I might have done some very bad deeds in my past life that I was suffering in this one. May be this was meant to be. May be it was my Destiny. I wondered whom to curse as everyone seemed like good people.
If she wanted to keep her parents happy, then perhaps she loves her parents more than she loves me. I thought whether I would have taken such a decision to keep my parents happy? I don’t know. I felt bad for her. Is it our culture of which she was victim of I didn’t know. Or was it our society that made her think so I wondered. Was there no one in the world to help us??? `GOD, at least now you could lend a hand.` I looked at the skies in request. I did not see any help coming.
Time passed faster than my watch could run. Next 10 minutes were sheer silence. Was there nothing to talk? I asked myself. May be there was no need to talk.
Train siren blew breaking our awkward silence. Her train would leave in another five minutes. She had tears in her eyes all the time which she was wiping with her napkin. My eyes had dried, may be there was no more water left out. At one point in life, we all realise that value of tears for it comes out only for your dear ones.. But you will never forget that someone who made you cry. I wish she knew I was still waiting for a yes. May be she knew it too. But nothing changed in past 2 years. It was time to understand and move on.
Train siren blew for the second time. I got up and picked her bags. She looked at my face with tear filled eyes. I gave her a smile. I don’t know how managed to bring it on my face but I did. She got up and again wiped her eyes. I helped her to get into the train and the train siren blew for the final time indicating the time of departure. We avoided conversation as I knew this silence will remain forever between us. She was still at the door looking at me.
Me: “Go to your seat and sit down.”
She nodded, trying to control her emotions. We both knew she could only control her emotions until I am in front of her. She knew I cant see her in that state, she knew I wont control myself if she does it in front of me.The very second when I am gone, she will sob uncontrollably.
Me: “Take care of yourself and your parents.” I almost lost my voice as I spoke because of emotions.
She nodded again, as tears rolled out heavily but she controlled herself and didn’t give up to her emotions. I could hardly control myself, but I held myself till the end. Should I hug her?? For one last time? Maybe those days were long gone. We did not share the same compassion anymore. Seeing her going away again made me uncomfortable. I couldn’t speak, My legs felt heavy, stomach tingled and I felt drowsy. I kept wiping my tears again and again so that I can see her clearly, may be for the last time in my life.
Anusha: “I am sorry….” She managed to say those words and sat where she were and broke completely. She sobbed very hard and hid her face in her palms. I do not know where I got such control over myself, but I stepped in the train lifted her up, hugged her as she sobbed more and made the courage to say “It’s Ok”. That was all I could say for I didn’t have enough energy for anymore. Train finally started to move. I quickly picked up her luggage and still holding her in my arms, made for her birth. I placed all her belongings under her seat and tried to talk. But I could not gather my voice and fell short of words. I asked her to sit on her seat as she continued crying like a baby and for once and for all, caressed her forehead and walked out. Train was picking the speed and I somehow managed to get down in time. I turned to see Anusha but she might not have stopped crying yet as her window was empty. Tears filled my eyes as I saw the train gather momentum and before anytime, disappeared rom my sight.
Diwali was no more fun as I could not take her out of my thoughts, I spoke very little only to make my parents sad. My sister complained I am not talking with her properly. Everything bout this years Diwali sucked. I could not stand it anymore, and in three days, with a holiday still left, I decided to go back to mangalore. I booked my tickets online and packed my bags. I had my bus at 8.00 P.M the same day. My parents were not only angry but sad for my behaviour. I could not explain anything to them.
I had about an hour left for my bus. Everyone in the house were sitting in the hall and watching some program. My mom looked very sad as I was going back a day early. My dad knew my behaviour well and was kind of adjusted to it. Sister and I were talking about some movie which she had watched. Door bell rang when we were still talking and dad asked me to get it. Since I was already in a bad mood, I sent my sister to get it. She went looking angrily at me. She shouted for me from the door “Its your friend”. I thought Barry might have come to drop me to bus stop as had requested him to do so. I got up and walked towards the door only to stop in my very place after looking at the person at the door. Somehow, I reached door and opened it only to find Anusha. I stood in disbelief.
She had tears in her eyes, but a smile in her face. I didn't understand a thing, and I couldn't move either. She wiped her tears and with a bigger smile said, "For the proposal you offered me about marrying you two years ago, Mr. Shivakumar, I want to tell you that, I accept. Lets get Married!!!"
